And out come J-Lo and Beyonc?ready to shake their booty.Their breed is Marans noire cuivr? both are about 25 weeks old, and one has started laying while the other is at-point-of-lay, which I’m guessing means she is about to. They have coppery heads and feathers that go from red to a rather gorgeous peacock, petrol blue. I do not like their feet though, which are long-toed and rather dinosaurish I find their feet repulsive. From now on, I vow, I will only look at J-Lo and Beyonc?rom the drumstick up Which, though, is which? My son assesses their bottoms They are similar sized J-Lo, then, will be the one with the bigger, redder comb J-Lo’s bottom is immediately productive Her poo is mustardy and runny “J-Lo,” says my son. “You are no lady.” “See, see!” shouts Peter from over the fence.

“Prodigious shitters!” We leave them to peck and scratch and go blob-blob-blob in their run until dusk, when they go into the coop by themselves. I wish children were so easy to put to bed.Day twoI go out first thing No egg. Bloody, freeloading, stinking, useless, blob-blob-blobbing chickens. So I go to work not on an egg and then, mid-morning, I get a panicky phone call. “They can fly,” my partner hisses.”Darling,” I say, “I know it’s difficult, but you did promise not to do hallucinogenic drugs until after lunch Even I know chickens can’t fly.”"They can fly,” he hisses. “I let them out and the cats had a go and now they’ve flown over the fence.”I call Johannes “It seems they can fly.”"Ohmigod,” he says “I forgot to clip their wings But don’t worry They are ground dwellers, really.

They can’t fly far because they can’t sustain the weight.”I call home. “Johannes forgot to clip their wings.”"It’s all right,” my partner says, “they are back. They came in the kitchen, tried the cat food, had a crap and then another, then went out again.” We’d been told that cats are no threat to chickens, which I didn’t really believe, but it’s true. J-Lo and Beyonc?ang up, raise their blob-blob-blobbing a pitch or two, and see them off easily The cats are terrified of the chickens The cats are chicken whereas the chickens are not. The cats tremble under the kitchen table and may shortly be asking to be reversed over.I arrive home late afternoon to find J-Lo and Beyonc?re still free-ranging it and pooping all over the shop We try to get them back in the run before the foxing hour.

J-Lo is, contrary to everything you might read about her in Heat, a sweetheart and a doddle J-Lo doesn’t mind being picked up or nudged with sticks But Beyonc?the bossy one? Beyonc?s EVIL Beyonc?oes not want to go back into the run and will not. My partner and I spend an hour chasing and attempting to ambush her. I try giving her a look, one that says: Nando’s; Peri-Peri sauce; KFC. Beyonc?behave, or it’s the pot for ye! In the end we tempt her in with some M&S baby corn. Phew.Day threeAn egg! An egg! Look Peter, an egg! Look Jane, an egg! Well done, J-Lo, who is the layer, rather than Beyonc?who is merely bossy and EVIL It is a chocolate brown egg still warm from.. well, let’s not go into that. Chickens only have one hole for everything so it’s probably best not to My son has it fried for breakfast The yolk is a gloriously deep yellow.